Hello, I’m Dr. Quack and today I will be teaching you how to be a bad healer– err, I mean, DPS. Simply follow these 6 easy steps and you will be the bane of your raid group in no time. Everyone in your group will hate you and you will never get a DPS spot again. Isn’t that amazing?!

Step 1: Pull mobs before the tank does. Tanks are useless and just there to look pretty, so you should always just go ahead and pull mobs whenever you want. It’s the best way to get ripped, uh, literally.

Step 2: Don’t follow the TA. Following TA is bad, very bad. There’s no point in killing something that everyone else is already killing, so you should be original and pick your own unique target to kill.

Step 3: Break all the mezzes. The best way to crowd control something is to kill it, so why bother dazing it? Kill, kill, kill!

Step 4: Stack tactical mastery if you’re a champ. Champs’ attacks are all tactical so stacking physical mastery is a silly thing to do. (True story.)

Step 5: Run away from the tank if you pull aggro. If a mob runs to you, that means it likes you and wants to date you. So if you bring the mob to the tank, you risk the mob liking the tank better and cheating on you. Therefore, the best thing to do if you pull aggro is to take the mob far, far away where you two can live happily ever after.

Step 6: Stand in the wrong place. When fighting mobs, the best place to stand is right in front of the mobs, according to Our Ladyship Annundir Archer.
Annundir Archer says, “Five silver if I get him between the legs”
Can’t follow her advice if you’re hitting the mobs from behind. Always stand in front of the mobs and hit them where it hurts.

Congrats, you’ve made it to the end of how to be a bad dps 101! Now go and frustrate your friends!